I THINK I’M DONE

When I started this blog a little over a year ago I felt pretty strong, pretty confident, and I had fantasies of writing something that would, in some small way, touch someone. My greater goal was to help people who felt unlovable to realize that they were lovable and loved by a God who treasures them, quirks and all. The only way I felt that was possible was from the other side of my own doubts. And to be honest, I lasted longer than I thought I would.

I don’t think I can do that right now. I have no doubt that one day I’ll start writing again, but it’ll definitely take more than I’ve got right now.

A few weeks ago, I posted Are We There Yet? I think that’s a fair enough question.

Most of the trouble is that I’ve always tried to be a good girl and never ask for much. I tried o be a good student, a good employee, a good Christian. I learned at a very young age that I was not much more than an option.

I don’t recall what I did wrong, but my mother told me she’d made a call to the orphanage. The only thing I understood about the orphanage (which we actually had in our city) was that it was where children went when they didn’t have parents. She told me someone would be by later to get me. They’d put me in a dark room and feed me when they felt like it.

I waited quietly until it was dark enough to know grown-ups weren’t at work anymore, which also meant someone hadn’t come to take me to the orphanage. I asked my mother if they were still coming to get me. She simply said, “They must have forgotten about you. They’ll probably come tomorrow.”

i never went to the orphanage. I continue to live with my mother, which was probably worse than the alternative.

I’ve spent most of my life convinced that I was unlovable and insignificant enough to be easily forgotten. At best, I was tolerated. But that tolerance was very conditional, and I was constantly reminded with, “If you don’t like it, you can leave.”

I didn’t like it, but I had no where to go so I couldn’t leave. And I didn’t leave until the day before my 21st birthday.

My point is this: When you grow up without grace  or mercy, there’s no way you can recognize it when you see it. Even if you could, you can not accept it when you’ve believed that you’re something to be tolerated.

I thought I had made progress, that I had more confidence in God’s word. But I know now that I haven’t. I was starting to come to terms with the limitations after my open-heart surgery. I kept looking for the good after I wrecked the car in January. I trusted God to provide when we had to replace a new furnace in February. I even tried to remain optimistic when I wrecked my shoulder at the end of March. And somehow, we’ll find a way to pay the taxes we owe to the state.

But if God knows me so well, doesn’t he know that I am not that strong? My body had already betrayed me enough, but to have to live the rest of my life with the pain and limitations of a permanently dislocated shoulder? How does that glorify God? To be so perpetually broke that the kindness of really generous friends and my husband’s family barely scratches the surface of our debt because more debt is piled on than we can dig out…how does that glorify God?

So I’m angry and confused. I feel foolish for trusting God because there are plenty of people who are looking at me and wondering why they should trust him if this is what a Christian life looks like.

So here’s the deal: I can not write anything encouraging or motivational right now. This post is concrete evidence of that. So I shall keep all of my thoughts inside my pretty little head until I can be nice again. Besides…if I don’t like it, i can always leave, right?

15 thoughts on “I THINK I’M DONE

    1. This is what I’ve been thinking about with my blog. First of all, I get it may never be read by many people, although it would as satisfying as it is terrifying to write something that would help people realize that they are loved – especially if they feel unloved and unlovable. But I know it may be very hard to walk that fine line between using a reader as a therapist and sounding like I have a scripture answer for everything and it’s all good. I don’t think people in pain don’t get as much validation as they need. I’d really like to show people like me that they are not nearly as alone as they think they are and that there is a good God who loves them. And I think that’s going to require me to admit that I still have pain even though God has operated on me, I’m glad I found your blog. You manage to be honest and powerfully comforting! 🙂 And I am so glad to have other people like you to share the process of writing with.

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  1. Please don’t think you have to write only “nice” things. Honesty is important, and we need to know that others get discouraged, too. Reread the Psalms – there’s a lot of raw emotion there, and it’s part of God’s Word. Hang onto Him, and keep writing, as He leads.

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    1. You know, I should be doing in my sharing, and your comment helped so much just now. It brought to mind a guy I knew who had a very similar back surgery as the one I would have only three weeks later. As I was healing from mine, I asked how he was feeling. He said he felt great – no pain at all. I, however, had had very little relief and was really discouraged and disappointed. I WAS MISERABLE! I later found out that he hadn’t wanted to tell me that he was actually in pain after his surgery. His honesty would have done so much more! I would have known I wasn’t alone or defective because I didn’t feel better. For him, it wouldn’t have been weakness – it would have been liberating to speak the truth.

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  2. Remember how Job’s friends came and sat with him in his misery for a week without saying anything? They got that part right. Then they messed up and started preaching nonsense at him. (I’ve often thought the “patience of Job” referred to the way he put up with his self-righteous friends.) I have no words of wisdom for you, but I can sit here with you in your sorrow. You aren’t alone, sister.

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  3. I want you to know that I pray for you. I have since I started following your blog. I sometimes wonder why God allows the things He does. People say that God won’t give you more than you can handle but that’s not biblical. What the Bible does say is that God will help us handle what He allows in our life. Some way. Some how. And Jesus knows the pain and suffering we experience because He experienced it, too. He holds us when we cry and promises that one day there will be no more tears. No more tears for eternity. I will continue to pray for you. Never forget how much God loves you.

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  4. Oh girl. Such pain. I wish I could hold you, hug you, and cry with you. I have no “advice” because I rarely get insights into what the heck God is up to in my own life. Just try to keep on breathing, OK? You ARE loved. His time is just not our time, and sometimes that is EXTREMELY upsetting. Thanks for all your words mean, and have meant, to this hurting woman, chica.

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    1. Thank you, Natalie! I know you’re right, and-again-I’ll be humbled when God’s done with this lesson. 🙄 I’ve been thinking that if I can’t trust myself to not say anything that would “de-glorify” God (it’s a word NOW!), maybe I should just let Him speak for himself. I really LOVE writing, but maybe all I need to do is share His Word. And I had no idea there was someone out there that God had used my words to encourage! Thank you.

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      1. I can’t tell you how much your writings have meant to me! I have shared lots of them with my husband and my son. My husband and I both read your latest one and we’re both deeply deeply concerned for you. Lots of love.

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      2. Thank you! You know how it is sometimes-sometimes it’s hard to accept that your situation will never get better. And for Christians, it’s harder because we have to trust that God has control and cares.

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    1. Thank you, Jennifer! I wish people could understand that THIS is one of the wonderful things about being a Christian-having people you’ve never met care for you. Genuinely care for you.

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