I’ve avoided an introduction primarily because I think it’s the most uncomfortable post I will write. But here goes!
As you know, my name is LaRonda Bourn. I began this blog with the hope that I can offer hope to people who feel hopeless, encouragement to those who feel discouraged and edification to those who just need to be reminded that it’s worth fighting the good fight.
For most of the 53 years of my life, I was raised by a very unpredictable and especially unhappy woman who one person gently referred to as “someone who was very hard to love.” She was needy, but insatiable. She was angry or offended most of the time. Very simply, she was quite mentally ill. My family of a half-brother and step-father never knew what to expect, so we were always prepared for the worst. At least I was. Of the three of us, I felt like I was the one with the most responsibility and the least authority – kind of like some poor schmuck in middle management, you know. As you’ll find, my step-father, Frank, failed to ever assume the responsibilities of being the man of the house. That role was assigned to my brother very early in life. My role, it seemed, turned out to be the emotional equivalent of a human piñata, without the stick. I can tell you now that there was no candy inside this piñata. 🙂
I left home at 21. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I “ran away” from home since I had no clothes, little money and no plan. From that point on, I continued to be the young adult with all the responsibility and no authority. You know that old t-shirt and pants that are so worn and stained that you don’t care if they get stained or ripped anymore so you use them to do all your dirty projects in? That was me. And I spent the next 10 years treating myself with no respect, letting others – especially men – do what they wanted to me with no expectation of respect from them. I was more than willing to exchange respect for attention.
At the age of 31, God blessed me with an impossibly patient and forgiving man who waited and loved me as I was “tamed” like the fox in “The Little Prince.” Twenty long years later, I finally realized and accepted that he wasn’t going to surprise me by suddenly admitting that he realized how pathetic and unlovable I was after all.
I’m uncomfortable sharing the pain of those years that I felt I was unloved and unlovable, but it’s for others like me for whom I want to write this blog. I’ve come to believe that the Lord I accepted when I was 12 is a loving Lord who will has a good plan for my life because he loves me and not because, to his great disappointment, I accepted him when he hadn’t really meant for me to be on the team. Remember the times when you realized some unfortunate school mate got stuck with you on their team because there was no one – not even the quadriplegic – to choose from any longer and the teacher required that all the kids to participate? Yeah, that’s how I believed Christ must have felt when I said ‘yes’. I had always pictured him looking at a frustrated God, sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders, saying something like, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think she’s say ‘Yes’.”
That leads me to the bigger purpose of this blog. I’ve realized that I’m not on the team by default. I’m learning that my Lord loves me and really does have a good plan for my life. I don’t always understand what he’s thinking. I sometimes worry that he may have forgotten me and would really appreciate a daily memo on how his plan for me is coming along. I’d also appreciate it if I could be consulted so he could hear some of the great ideas I have for solving my problems. But when I pray and challenge, “Who died and made you God?”, well you can imagine how that goes over!
I want to be transparent without sounding pathetic when I post a blog, which is why I haven’t even introduced myself yet. I hope you understand that it is precisely those who have hurt and continue to hurt that I want to write for – people like me. And I know they’re out there. I want to help validate their experience and give them any permission they need to stop living like a victim. And, what’s especially important to me is that they find their value and “lovableness” in God. (It’s a word now! Or is it “lovability”? The spellcheck didn’t put a red line under lovability, so maybe that’s the word I want. We’ll see.)
Seeing God as a loving father is hard for so many people. How can you feel loved by someone you can’t see, feel and touch when those you could see, feel and touch let you down at the very least and abused you at the very most? That’s what I want to explore with my blog.
I’ve been published once in Chicken Soup for the Soul (and have another publication coming in June-yea me!). When I saw the book on the shelves of Barnes & Noble, my first thought was a breathless, ‘I’m in that book!’ My second that was, ‘I want my own book!’ (My expectations for myself increase quickly and I’m working on my pride!) I don’t want to become famous, but I do want to help those who have experienced no affection in their lives to find complete love from those around them, from a loving Father and, finally, from themselves.
I want my pain to have a purpose, and that’s why I’ve decided to blog. I don’t want to overwhelm you with my long, sad story – though it may be both! – because I don’t want any spoiler alerts this early. 🙂 And I want to save those stories for my blog posts. I’ve never done a blog before, so thanks for your patience as I learn my way along the way. And if you have comments that might help me improve, please share them with me! Like I said, I wouldn’t mind seeing a book come out of this.
But for now, go out and enjoy your life today! If you’re not accustomed to enjoying your life, just try today. It’s a small commitment and if you don’t enjoy it, you have my blessing to be miserable tomorrow!
Love and peace!